the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
