I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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