He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
