Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
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