I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
