She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
