How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just found a bag of teeth...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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