singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
