I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
