The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
