P.S. I can't hear my feet
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
