Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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