So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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