I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
