i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
