I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
where are you?
Hypothermia
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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