even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize