It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
