evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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