What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
