I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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