I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
