I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
