maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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