I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I have so many feelings about this burrito
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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