The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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