And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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