I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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