Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
