the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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