I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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