life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
no, he came in my armpit
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
should my penis look like a turkey
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
