I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
