What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Randomize
