So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
