i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
