so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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