I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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