You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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