I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
