and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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