I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
