Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
