So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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