I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
