I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
