We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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