I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
