Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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