She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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