The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
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