He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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