Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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