she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
