Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
