i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
