quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize