He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
