If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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