i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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