so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
i need some magic done to my vagina
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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