6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
