put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
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