Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
