Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
literally had 100 drinks last night.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
