Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
